Caring for Ourselves and Others Through Grief
As much as grief is a universal human experience, it can look and feel different for everyone. Not only are there varied emotional reactions to grief, there are also a variety of triggers. While the loss of a loved one is certainly one significant trigger, other triggers include the loss of a dream, a way of seeing the world, or a relationship that has ended. Regardless of how or why grief is coming up for you, consider these tips for navigating grief:
Practice non-judgmental awareness by acknowledging and recognizing the range of emotions and physical sensations experienced without judgment. Ask yourself how you are feeling. Are you struggling to know what to say to a loved one? Are you surprised at an emotion that is coming up for you?
Practice self-compassion. There is not one right way to grieve and there isn't one cause of grief more valid than another.
Practice self-care by engaging in activities that promote physical and emotional well-being such as regular exercise, maintaining a balanced diet, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring, or used to bring, comfort and joy.
Lastly, seek support from others. There is a tendency to isolate in the face of overwhelming feelings associated with grief. Work against the tendency and reach out to loved ones, support groups, or a therapist to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
“When it comes to grief, there is no right or wrong way to mourn.”
While time can help dull the sharp edges of grief, you don't always "just feel better." It can help to have a place to talk and work through feelings of grief, especially if you are struggling to function in your day-to-day life.
This is where individual or group therapy can be helpful. Therapy provides a dedicated space each week, at a predictable time, to reflect on and sort through distressing or confusing thoughts and feelings. Therapy can also help you figure out how you want to incorporate your loss into how you live your life moving forward.
It can be especially helpful to reach out for support through a therapist if you were already struggling with feelings of depression or if the loss you experienced was very sudden.
Self-care of the mind and the body while grieving:
Have realistic expectations for yourself: be kind to your body and your mind.
Be aware of how technology is impacting your mood and take time away if necessary.
Express your emotions. Consider journaling, collaging, or making a voice note.
At the end of each day, make a specific list of what you’ve accomplished including mundane tasks.
Reach out for help. Talk to friends, support groups, or a therapist.
Eat nourishing meals.
Create a daily schedule for yourself including activities that brings you joy or connection even if you don’t feel like it.
It can be difficult to know how to support someone who is grieving…
Claudia’s Story:
This past month, I was working with Claudia, a young woman who had lost her father. In our first session she said, "Everyone keeps saying they understand, but they don't. They have no idea what I'm going through."
Claudia expressed frustration at being stuck in a pattern of ping-ponging from feelings of rage, to feelings of shame and guilt for being angry at people who were trying to help her. Claudia and I worked together to:
Increase Claudia's non-judgmental awareness of not only what she was feeling, but what was prompting those feelings. Was she feeling like someone was trying to tell her what to feel? Did she feel like someone was comparing themselves to her? Was she reacting to her own sensitivity?
Encourage curiosity about what the other person was attempting or feeling. Was the person trying to express sympathy but struggling with language? Was the person feeling uncomfortable with the intensity of emotion? Was the person using minimization or avoidance to cope with their own discomfort around grief? I worked with Claudia to help her recognize that most of what people say or do is a reflection of their own personal experiences and coping styles, rather than a reflection of her.
Develop scripts of how Claudia could both acknowledge her friends' attempts to support her, and draw boundaries firmly and gently around her grief experience. We practiced phrases like:
"I know you have also lost a parent. I'm not ready for advice yet."
"I know you are trying to support me, and I'm not ready to talk"
"I know you are trying to help, but that comment didn't land well."
"I hear how much you care about me, and I am not able to hear about your journey with grief right now."
"I know you were trying to express your care for me, and I'm having a strong reaction to what you said which means I need some time to figure out what is coming up for me."
Through our work, Claudia was able to more quickly recognize when big reactions were due to something that was "hers" to work on such as uncomfortable or confusing feelings, avoidance of pain, or thought distortions like: "Other people have it worse" or "I should be grateful for what I have." We separated this from things that were not "hers" like other people's discomfort around strong emotions and loss, poor communication skills, or unresolved grief.
At the core of our work was a rejection of the idea that Claudia had to choose between her needs and the feelings of those around her.