Knowing When to Let Go of a Friendship
“There can be many reasons that a friendship becomes unhealthy. But any friendship that consistently contributes to our feeling disregarded, devalued, or disrespected should be re-evaluated.”
Just like relationships, friendships have their seasons. Friendships change because people change. You may realize that your friend isn’t helping you break unhealthy habits, or that maybe your interests and priorities have changed. Maybe one party in the friendship thinks that the friendship thrives off of periodic get-togethers while the other disagrees.
Whatever it may be, unhealthy or waning friendships can take a toll on our mental health; interfere with our sense of identity, personal goals, and growth; and create feelings of anxiety.
It is important to identify the signs of a “toxic friendship” and know, as difficult as it may be, when to step away and set boundaries.
What are the signs?
You can’t rely on your friend to be open and honest with you.
You feel drained after hanging out with each other.
Conversations feel stagnate and repetitive.
Your friend does not respect your boundaries nor provide support or encouragement.
Your friendship is unbalanced or one-sided (your friend is not always there for you).
You feel that you can’t share good news with your friend because you feel they would become jealous.
You feel anxious before meeting your friend.
Your friend encourages unhealthy habits instead of helping you break them.
Your friend does not make time or show up for you.
Your friend chips away at your self-esteem and confidence (for example, they bring up your insecurities).
Your interests have diverged (you’re growing apart).
Friendship Breakups: A Guide
Loss of a friendship or a “friend breakup” can be both necessary and also sad, confusing, and painful. Knowing when and how to gracefully part ways can feel daunting. Here are some tips:
The Conversation
Honesty and Clarity:
1) Be clear with yourself about why you have decided to step away from your friendship before you have a conversation with your friend.
2) Have an honest conversation with your friend and (kindly) communicate why you’re stepping away. Know that your friend might feel hurt or confused by your decision, which is valid.
3) Highlight the positives and “good times” of your friendship.
Respectful Communication:
1) Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to communicate your feelings without blaming your friend.
2) Listen to your friend and allow them to share their feelings. However, if your friend promises to change, don’t necessarily let that interfere with your decision or don’t feel obligated to rekindle the relationship.
3) Set boundaries and norms for moving forward.
4) Understand that it’s okay and normal for friendships to dissolve or end. A friendship ending doesn’t mean it wasn’t valuable or “worth your time.”
After the “Friend Breakup”
Give Space
1) Give yourself and your friend the time and space to grieve the loss of your friendship. Emotions can run high, so allowing space can foster understanding.
Self-Care
1) Treat yourself kindly during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with supportive individuals.
2) Employ the language of gratitude (while thinking about your friendship, highlight what was valuable to you or something your friend did that you were thankful for).
3) Stay committed to finding healthy friendships and know that you deserve valuable friendships.
Reflect and Learn
1) Use the experience as an opportunity for introspection. What have you learned from this friendship? How can you grow moving forward? Is there harm you may have caused that you can learn from? Is there something different you would do next time?
It’s ok to prioritize your own well-being and growth, even if it means saying goodbye to a relationship. It is equally important to look for ways to do this kindly and respectfully with an awareness of the power we all have in relationships to cause harm.
Sources
https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/ending-a-friendship
https://psychcentral.com/health/knowing-when-to-say-goodbye-how-to-break-up-with-a-friend#recap
https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-let-go-of-a-friendship
https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-get-over-a-friendship-breakup/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/202205/5-signs-friends-have-grown-apart
https://happiful.com/8-warning-signs-of-an-unhealthy-friendship